>Journal entry

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Currently listening to: Darrell Evans newest CD. “Nothing less than everything”
I started to write this journal entry last Wednesday.   I was sitting in Mitchell’s Coffee house downtown Lakeland.   I saw the owners 4 year old riding his little bike through the coffee shop and back through the kitchen with his helmet on.  Very funny. I saw a local church planter in the corner talking with someone.  I saw a group of older men talking politics and enjoying the java.  There was a good flow of traffic that morning.   The coffee of choice that morning was snicker doodle.  mmmmm.  so good.  I ate an everything bagel, spilled a little of my coffee, cleaned up the spill while listening to Morrissey’s new CD on my iTunes and reading in Ecclesiastes 5.   I think they go great together:)  
So I began to write that this morning I have felt a wakening inside of me that I think actually started last night while talking with a friend.   We had a conversation about the local homeless and about our stories of encounters with homeless people over the years.   As far as me I’ve been a magnet for homeless people to come up too for as long as I can remember.  All through college they seemed to approach me on dates. And I would talk with them almost every time. Needless to say those girls never went out with me again.   One time I had a man approach me on a date and sang us a love song.  I think the girl thought I had planned it cause I was really nice to the guy and talked with him about life and so forth.  It was funny and awkward. 🙂 She never went out with me again 🙂  Anyways, my most memorable homeless/people on the streets moment was when I first started to help lead worship.  I was on my way to the church and my old junky Saab that I loved just died about 2 miles from the church and so I coasted into a parking spot in front of a local pawn shop.   Sat there and wasn’t sure what to do.  At that time I had no cell phone.  It was 1998/99 and cell phones where pretty much the size of suitcases.   Anyways, I sat in my car for a minute then opened the hood and looked around not knowing what in the world was wrong with the car.  I began to get back into my drivers seat to think and I noticed 3 men coming around the corner.  And one of them was clearly making eye contact with me like he knew me.  This area of Nashville was pretty poor and rough.  Well, 1 man was probably 38, one was probably 19, and one was probably 65.   The man was 38 or so came right up to me and I was freaking out inside cause these guys looked a tad scary to me.    The guy I’ll say his name was mike immediately said “Hey man I know you!”  Not knowing what to say I said um really?He began to tell me a story of how I picked him up one day when his car was broken down and drove him home.  Honestly I never saw that guy before.  But he didn’t believe me.  So he spent the next hour fixing my car.  He used his own shirt to plug some pipe with fluids.   He borrowed tools from the Pawn shop and bought the small wire I needed to fix my alternator.  Then after my car was working he only wanted a ride for himself and his family about 2 blocks away.   I’ve never seen that man again.   It was like an angel came down and helped me out.
     I say this because I have felt an awakening over the past 36 hours that has been packed way down inside of me over the years.  I recognize it from my past.  I can slightly taste it. You know so many things have impacted me and drawn me away from the heart of the Lord and to myself. I want to feel Gods heart alive in me again.   I love what I do with music and people. It is very fulfilling, yet I feel a part of me missing.  How have I lost somewhere deep inside of me the passion for the homeless and hurting?   I know God is working on me.  I just pray that I let him finish.  I’m so selfish with my time and my desires, habits, myself.  I guess we all are to some degree.   I struggle with trusting God.  That’s silly because he has provided so much for me.  I’ve lost things in the past, experiences hardships, hurts, struggles like most everyone and still I’m here.  I’m happy in FL in a beautiful little town.  I have a nice little house, a beautiful wife, an amazing son, a cute little dog, nice guitars, an amazing band full of beautiful people, I have people who care for me.  It’s like I’m to comfortable.   But I think it’s more than that.  I really do feel like when God gets close to me I almost immediately push him away.   These are things I’m working out.  I know I have massive anger issues.   When I tell people that they smile and look confused.  “Who you? they say”  No really it’s true I say.  I really do struggle with anger from past hurts in my life.  And I’m learning to identify those and work through them.   It’s just a long process.  All this boils down to is me letting God love me.   I’m scared to live freely in the forgiveness God offers me through Christ.   Why?  I’m figuring that one out also.  I’m thankful he uses the broken.  I’ve wondered for years why he uses me.  I truly see why he does.  Satan would have me believe otherwise because of shame or memories.  I’m coming to grips with his love for me.  I’m coming to grips with leaving my old life behind.  Living fully in Christ.  I’m coming to grips with allot.  In Christ alone I’m learning to stand…
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